No One Writes Back by Jang Eun-jin

Author:Jang Eun-jin [Eun-jin, Jang]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781564789945
Publisher: Columbia University Press
Published: 2013-01-15T05:00:00+00:00

75. I write, listening to her playing the harmonica.

Dear Older Brother,

What kind of a little brother was I? The question occurred to me as I listened to someone talk about her little sister today. I don’t think I’ve ever asked a question like that before, either to myself or to you. If I asked you now, would you answer? I probably don’t even need to ask, because you’d probably say, “Hey, buster, you were a little brat who always went around embarrassing me. Can’t you do something about your stuttering? If you did just that, I’ll accept you as my little brother.” Since I no longer stutter, I’m sure you’ll approve, as far as that matter goes. If so, it’ll be the first time you ever approve of me.

I wonder if, perhaps, you aren’t more curious than I am. As to what kind of a brother you were to me. You probably haven’t ever asked that question, either, to yourself or to me. But you probably don’t need to ask. Because you were always someone I approved of. And because you already knew that you were my idol, my pride. You were perfection itself. You never allowed for a single weak spot in you, not enough room for even a needle to penetrate, to the point of frustration. I know, of course, why you had to be so perfect. I know that you had no choice but to live like that, because of me, an idiot who always came home beaten up. I know you had no choice but to give up all the fun in the world and do enough studying for both of us so that you could be a good son to Mother and Father, who were unhappy about me. I really must’ve been an idiot, because back then, I thought you liked studying and had fun doing it. I assumed that you were a dull person who wrote down “studying” as your hobby or specialty. I learned through Eunyeong that you hated studying as much as I did. You remember her, don’t you? The girl who was always in charge of the exposition during student mass because she had a good voice.

Eunyeong was your first love, but she was mine, too. And the first person ever to make you, as well as me, despair. I envied you so much because everyone showered you with attention. As my envy turned into monstrous jealousy, I wanted to defeat you just once before I died. By then I was used to being known as so-and-so’s brother at school or church, which made me want to beat you even more. It was too late to beat you academically, so I had to get busy looking for something else. No matter how perfect you were, I thought, there had to be a weak spot in you. That’s when I noticed Eunyeong. Or I should say, the way you looked at Eunyeong. You were in love. That’s when I realized for the first time that you, too, were a human being with a heart that could love someone.

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